Dear Deer,
I’ve tried everything I know to keep you away from my tomato plants, so I am appealing to your sense of compassion by this letter in the hopes that you will PLEASE stop eating my tomatoes. You see, I have spent many hours trying to cultivated these beautiful plants. I began earlier than usual this year since the spring was warm. The rains have finally fallen gently on my fields and it looks like a bumper year for tomatoes. I purchased the best plants from the best nursery in town and have applied Miracle Grow according to the directions on the box. The result has been many tomatoes that would have ripened early, had it not been for your midnight raid on my garden.
In order to keep you at a distance, dear deer, I have tried the highly lauded “Deer Away”, which contains herbal and non-toxic ingredients, the smell of which I find a little nauseating, but can endure if I know you will find it nauseating, too. Unfortunately, you did not seem to mind it. Nor did you mind the previous year’s experiment with moth balls. A little girl from the neighborhood told me my yard smelled like “grandma’s” house. While the moth balls did decrease the moths in my yard, they did not deter you. One year, my wife heard that hair clippings helped, so she brought home a bag of clippings from her beauty salon. You gingerly stepped over the clippings of red, blonde, brunette, and gray hair to find your way to my tomatoes.
I am almost ready to admit defeat and drive to the State Farmer’s Market to buy my tomatoes in the future. It would be cheaper than the two tomatoes you left me, which when I average in the cost of fertilizers, repellants, and irrigation plus the psychotherapy I will need to deal with my anger and loss, will be about two hundred dollars per tomato.
As I said, I’ve tried everything, so if there is just one iota of compassion left in your heart, please read this and have pity on me and my remaining two tomatoes.
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